I’m sitting in Design 200 class, it’s sunny out today, and Mark Chaben just asked me the name of the Chris Crocker song. I find that pretty amusing.
It’s summer for most uni students now. Nicole and Alex are back. Nick’s birthday was last weekend, first actual hangover. nuff said.
party at nicole’s house in vernon this weekend, never been to her house before. parents have gone to cour delaine, or however it’s spelled, for the next few days.
Just got a drunk phone call from Travis, who’s in salmon arm, going to macdonalds with his friends apparently.
Off to cali tomorrow morning at 5, so i must pack
Sometimes the only way to fix things is to be as honest with yourself as you can, and i promise to god, i dont even know if there is a god, but i promise to god i am working as hard as i can on that.
Im still drunk. and that seems to be the only time i can be honest with myself, so im writting what i can before i wake up sober.I need to sort this stuff out, this isnt fair to you, you boy, or to me, and I need to stop using them as an excuse to hurt myself, because sometimes hurting myself seems to be the only way i can feel better, but its only temporary and it only gets worse and its not even worth it.
This emotional baggage is stupid and its like a slow working poison that never goes away, but now its not only hurting me but its hurting other people to. and by people i mean person and i mean you. and i dont know how i feel about you, i know i care about you so much as a person and you’re amazing but i dont know how much more than that you are to me and i cant go on knowing you feel the way you do when youve never had anyone and im just a mess, im not right, i cant be the one to be stable for you because thats not me at all, especially not now. I’m sorry.
He’s back now and I dont know what to do, I know he doesnt care about me because I talk to people with a mask and i find out things, things that they would never say to my face. Maybe that sounds dishonest but its the only way i can know the truth, and god knows i need to know the truth more than ever now. I was over it, done, and over the next one, but now that he’s back and in my life again i just cant keep being strong. if you can ever say that what i was was strong. But now, I can’t get over this while he’s still around, even though i know what he’s all about.
I dont know what im doing. This is the first night ive spent in decent shape. for once im not being a crybaby, and thats why i can write what i have with any sort of clarity. I thank aimee for that, but i dont know how much longer she can help. eventaully itll just be me again. I dont know where this goes. I dont know where im going.
Im staring at the words on the screen and they make me feel like im free falling through space, or like my feet are stretching into the ground below me as if it werent there, but at the same time as if it were a living entity thats deliberately sucking them in, but not taking them from me.
case in point: I apologize to the one who needs me and i cant be there for, and as for the rest… i dont know. those words that plague me again and again, im sorry but i just dont know. it sounds like a cop out to me. but what else can i say. i think im starting to sober. So im going to go before i start spinning lies.
I haven’t updated in forever, even though lots has happened over the summer. I guess sometimes the thought just seemed pointless. My mind changes every 15 minutes lately, it’s ridiculous, but I’ll attribute my lack of decisiveness to that.
But, Gabriel is back in town, and to welcome in the new school year I thought I’d post this tribute to our favourite douchebag!
left: Ducky from the Land Before Time
right: Gabriel Lafferty
I have more relevant and important things to talk about right now, but I don’t want to. I just saw this profile on “hot or not”, a facebook application, and I wanted to remember it.
“I tend to stand in wonderment…and horror…alot.
I have an open mind, weird sense of humor, and a well of insanity deep enough to keep me safe from all the “normal” people.
I will not compromise my morals. I am flexible. But that does not mean I am weak.
If I slept any less, I would have no filter through which to protect the public from my unbridled madness.
But if you must know, I am me. And what that means to you will be different than what it means to ever other person who knows me. So the question is, are you ready to find out?”
work today was alright. I worked in produce, and they had 4 guys working, two of which are intense workers, so unfortunately everything got done and there was nothing left to do for the rest of the day. I definitely peaced out at one point for a blizzard.
Dad and steph are gone to vancouver for the next few days so it’s nice and peacefull here.
Last weekend was alot of fun, I went out to gotchas for lindsay’s 19th birthday, with cody and a bunch of other people. We definitely got some stares, mostly because there was alot of making out going on. Lindsay and I included. Lindsay and heather too, which was the fun part. Some chotchy guy came up and was telling dave that lindsay wanted him and he should bang her, so lindsay and heather decided to give him a show to demonstrate why that wasn’t going to happen (they’re actually both bi, not lesbians, but he didn’t need to know that). The sketchiest part of the night was definitely when Cody decided to make a scene and he started grinding with me. Not a good idea in a hetero club, although i guess that was the point, and it is fun to stir things up every now and then.
after, we went back to cody’s house to party more and go in the hottub. unfortunately I never made it to the hottub, as I got distracted by someone else who showed up. Someone who I really should stay away from for the sake of my sanity.
PS – you make me feel intense and alive and so curious, and I need to stop remembering because that just makes it harder. I know he’s your first priority and I know I shouldn’t be so dumb and weak and I should be able to do this and not care. I’m sorry. It only took a few days to get over this time.
I’m getting some sandy blonde colour put in my hair tomorow. Just in time for the dance. Hope it turns out good.
Oh, and that Paul Hoy kid just added me on facebook again. He’s this guy who had me on facebook before, then added travis when we started dating, and then kept hitting on him and leaving comments on his pictures. I kinda blew up at him and scared him away, and i guess he deleted me. I didn’t really expect that from myself, haha. I guess I’m more territorial than I thought. So now I have a friend request from him. Wierd.
I went in to work today at 12:30, only to check the schedule and find out that i don’t work today, and also that i was supposed to work yesterday. turns out my day off wasn’t actually a day off. oops.
The manager there at the time didn’t even know, so i asked him about it and he checked and was like “ok well might as well just work for 4 hours now, since you’re here.” so i did, and later on Larry, the other manager guy, came in and was all like “where were you last night?” and i explained and then he called me a rookie and laughed.
After work i went to the mall, and then home. Then I went with kevin downtown to Moolicks, where we met up with lindsay and tom and sam. We ate icecream, took sam home, and then went and rented cloverfield and watched it at my house. Pretty decent movie, although it was depressing.
Later on msn I talked to that Jesse kid again, and we ended up actually getting into a real conversation about stuff. Our first, I believe. Apparently he’s a virgin, too, and hasn’t ever really had a boyfriend cuz he’s never found anyone he likes enough. And he said he doesnt really think he has much in common with most gay boys. He got me talking about Gabriel, too. I didn’t plan to but he kept asking so i ended up telling him the story. I also mentioned the pride dance to him, which he didn’t know about, but it sounded like he might come. I’d better watch out, though, he seems like he might be a bit of a stick in the mud. He was the one who added me, but we’ve never really talked unless I initiated it, which i have these past couple days. He also left for bed really abruptly. Who knows, maybe hes waiting for a sign that I’m not just another retarded gay boy. we’ll see. if he comes to the dance and we meet, and he still seems kinda standoffish, then whatever. he’s not pretty enough to be a bitch. I just think he seems like he might be a decent guy, and I’m hoping he will turn out to be.
So I was talking to this guy named Jesse on msn, who lives in winfeild and we met over Plenty of fish, i think it was. We decided we might hang out today (well, yesterday, as it is now 3 in the morning). But then Cody decided he wasn’t too tired to hang out like we said we would, so he came to pick me up and I went with him to see people who were hanging out at Roses pub.
We saw nichole, carver, and graeme. Carver and Graeme are really getting on my nerves now. I mean Carver is carver, even cody can’t handle carver sometimes. But I seriously did not want to be there. Both of them are the most superficial catty gay guys ever, and both of them were tryin just a little too hard. Everything from the things carver says to his facial expressions seem contrived. But then there was Graeme, who normally doesn’t bother me much, and today that wasn’t the case. He kept saying things that he clearly thought would make him look better, and trying to act like he thought cody would. And you know what, graeme can be a retard all he wants and I can ignore it. But the fact is, I had nothing to contribute to any of this conversation, I mean unless I started insulting everyone (hey, then i’d fit in..) so I just stayed quiet. Then Cody points out my quietness, and Graeme called me emo, and was like “you’re always grumpy.” Excuse me? I am not. Then he went off about how I never talk in group conversations or at parties. I’m sorry, I do actually talk, just not to them when everything they talk about is completely superficial and fake. And how would he know if I talked at parties? He’s never around me. And he never even tries to talk to me if he is. And I’m sorry that even if we did talk I’d have nothing to say to him, being that I don’t sleep around and smoke pot, or spend my time trying to imitate some ill concieved idealized image born from a dire lack of self esteem and fostered by false sense of gratification and validation.
Did I mention I hate gay boys?
We sat around at the pub for a while more, while people drank their alcoholic beverages and i had iced tea, which turned out to be a good idea as everyone else’s drinks came out to be about $7 each. I got bored and started texting on my phone, and Cody kept asking who it was that I was talking to, because he always has to know and it kills him if he doesn’t. He figured it was Alex, so I just let him believe that, because it bothered Carver alot, even though Carver pretends not to like alex anymore, and Cody always does a good job of broadcasting everything. So Cody makes a big deal out of it, and carver’s all “isn’t alex a little young for you” *insert bitch face* and I just smiled while continuing to “text”. Then after more sitting around eventually we decided to leave. Nichole went to Merwins house, which all of us had originally planned to do, but cody and I decided to opt out of that, since all they were doing was drinking. and since cody wasnt going, carver and graemme decided not to go. well, to be fair, carver had to work early the next day. But seriously graeme, grow a spine.
So cody and I went back to me house to watch Heroes. First we stopped to get some snacks. He got candy and I got a bag of chips, a box of cookies and a box of doughnuts. I realized what a fat kid I looked like. So we watched heroes and then he went home.
Oh, and I did text that Jesse kid. But by the time cody and I got to my house, it was a bit late for him to come all the way here, but he said we would do something another day.
what the hell is with the traffic at 3 o clock??? It’s my day off and I go out for a bit and i get caught in traffic that seems like it belongs to a saturday afternoon! It’s tuesday! Shouldn’t you people be at work??
So. I got a message from Gabriel on Manhunt. haha. He must’ve checked his “viewed my profile” list and seen me. And what did he have to say? He said:
“That third pic is so not you.”
Wow. cold, cut, dry and to the point. The critical, cynical point. How typical.
Not a “hey you, how’s it going?” or a “I found you! what’s up!” No, that kind of friendliness would be far too human.
The best part is, the picture actually is of me. It’s a shirtless pic with most of my head cut off, but the background is clearly my room. Him saying that he doesn’t believe it’s me is actually kind of a compliment, regardless of his intention.
I’m admitting it to myself.
I miss Gabriel. Why I don’t know. All my memories of him are cold to me. But there’s a few happy ones that keep replaying themselves in my head, and I’m lying in bed trying to go to sleep but instead I’m remembering the feeling of him holding me, or that time when he gave me his jacket because I was cold, even though I didn’t ask him to.
I’m so exhausted from working full time, which I found out means 8 hour days, 5 days a week, which works out to 40 hours a week. 2 days off. I’ve been sleeping lots and eating a ton just to keep up my energy in the day, but now I’m so mentally drained, and maybe physically too, I’m not sure anymore.
When Gabriel comes back, in september, I don’t think there’s much chance he wants to see me again. Cody found him on the dating site Manhunt. Turns out he’s recently made a profile on it and it says “i’m not in kelowna right now, but i’ll be back soon. i’m more than a one night stand”. Which, btw, is actually new, though not much different from a couple days ago when it said “looking for something more than a one night stand. although I have been known to play” or something like that. I guess that’s what I had with him, more than a one night stand, but not officially boyfriends. And since he made an account there I guess that means he plans on having it with someone else, not me.
Why am I getting sad over this now. I havent missed him like this since he left half a year ago.
I forgot to put the fruit trays in the fridge at work, and it was my first night closing produce.
geeez im bad at life 
